Returning to work after loss / during grief: a roller coaster.
There is no better way to explain it.
I feel the need to be very transparent about the roller coasters of emotions because I don’t think is talked much about. And the less is talked about, the less workplace policies will adapt to humans’ needs.
I also feel the need to ‘explain’ why I’ve been MIA for such a long time. Not that I have to. But I want to. Because you’re given me your precious inbox space and I hugely appreciate your time & connection.
I’ve delayed this newsletter chapter for too long. I’ve started writing it and deleting it TOO many times… I even wrote it as is 2 weeks ago, and it has taken me until now to press ‘send’. But. Here it goes. Raw. As always.
The Facts & My Emotions Chronicle
March: My dad was diagnosed with advanced cancer. I was shocked by the news. Spending 8-9hrs a day at the hospital getting the most time with my dad I had left. I couldn’t think of anything else. So, inevitably I asked for time off until things settle a bit and I process.
→ Google gave me 1 month of carer’s leave. A type leave designed for when a loved one falls sick and needs support.
April: I was still not OK. My biggest impact was that I was emotionally unstable (crying almost every day) and not being able to concentrate on anything. Not even on short videos and reels which are literally 5 sec. I could only stare at a ceiling.
→ Google extended my carer’s leave by a month. Which is the maximum we can get. Fully paid. This is important. No one wants to worry about financials and expenses when experiencing such an emotional distress.
May: I said I’d come back in May because things were going well. Cancer was decreased. I was a bit more at peace. But amongst all, hopeful. We thought we had time. Until things turned around.
→ Went back online at the beginning of May. Shortly after (less than a week) I realised I couldn’t function and asked for extension as unpaid leave. I could not bear the thought of leaving to fly back to London.
Early June: My dad was submitted to the ICU*. There was nothing I could do while my dad was in there. I felt helpless. We could only visit for 5 minutes a day. So I needed the distraction by that point. Work was welcomed. But I wanted to be nearby.
*A rare and aggressive reaction to immunotherapy. (More on that another time. I’d love to spread awareness on the topic).
→ Google gave me a 2 month exception to work from abroad so I can be near my family. I came back online to work. My brain was all over the place. I could not concentrate. What used to take me 30’, it was now taking me 2 hrs. VERY slow! I couldn’t understand why people think business targets matter tbh.
Late June: My dad passed away. I took a week off. The week of the funeral.
July: The 2-month working from Greece status continued so I could be around family. I needed some normality for a few hours a day so I don’t go crazy staring at a ceiling. How much processing can a person do in a span of a few weeks? Grief takes time. But at the same time I was craving to find the moments of inspiration and laughter to balance my mental load. Until I couldn’t.
August: It cost me almost a performance warning until I decided to take a break and deal with my grief.
→ Google gave me a month of bereavement leave. Another type of leave available, to grief. Fully paid.
September: By that time I could see I had more energy. A new realisation of what things I need to really stress about vs what not, without minimising the meaning of my job. So, as I transitioned back online for the first couple of weeks, I felt ready. And then eventually flew back to London mid month.
Why Am I Sharing All These?
Because these leaves of absence were what allowed me: 1) to be there and cherish the last moments with my dad without further stress or distraction, and 2) allowed me to find my energy fairly quickly so I can start doing things for me again.
And I’ve heard a few times… “it took you too long to return”, “others return next day, are you sure you’re resilient?”.
Firstly, every person is different. I personally don’t believe that shoving your feelings deep down so you can function like nothing has happened, is resilience.
I would argue resilience is giving the space to yourself, allowing the feels (which can go very dark) and gradually rebuilding your strength.
Secondly, yes, I could have been working while everything was happening. Or back the next day after the funeral if I had no choice. I did after a week. And it was fine for a while. But I knew that the impact on my mental health would have been detrimental in the long run. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in the past, and I now know the signs.
If you set the rules, or manage a team, I want you to know how critically important for the mental health of your people is allowing them the space.
Please please please spread the word, so more people can have the “privilege” I had.
This is the main reason I’m writing this newsletter chapter.
What’s Next | Get in touch
Am I done with grief?
Of course not. When the thoughts come, I cry. For 5’, 10’ however long. I feel the feels. What it has left me with … is more tiredness. So, I’m pacing myself out. I go slower. I’m becoming very ruthless with where I give my energy.
But it doesn’t take away from my inspiration, creativity or concentration anymore. Like it did while everything was happening.
So stay tuned… I’m back!
Angeliki x
PS. If you’re in position you can control workplace leaves, please take some action after reading this. Even small. If not, please forward to your HR friend. I’m happy to chat.
Stay curious. Stay adaptive.